The Risk of Caring

In my job I face many challenges. We deal with people who don’t like us and all their problems are our (law enforcements) fault, people who yell, curse, cry, weep, smoke, spit, smell, are intoxicated and/or high, and so on. We also deal with people who want help, are grateful and make my job seem easy. Believe it or not, I like both or I should say all. Each one is a challenge in one way or another. The more difficult, the more I work to prove myself and how I can help them whether they knew they wanted it or not. The easy ones, the more I am reminded why I love my job and this is why I do it.

But with every new case comes risk. I know, I know, I’m a Victim Advocate. What risks do I really face? You’re correct in that I probably don’t face any serious physical risks – too often. But there are risks in caring for a victim.

I have had three cases recently that remind me (which I think it’s good to be reminded – occasionally) I’m not invincible or untouchable. They are, of course, all domestic violence related. I cannot give details due to confidentiality, but what I can say is one case had me fear for my own safety and the other two have me in fear for the safety of my victims.

In the first case, I fought hard for the victims. Charges were changed from misdemeanor crimes to felony. I was and am proud that he will be held accountable on higher charges. Trust me – he deserves it. The risk for me in this case was the level of fear the victim has of her perpetrator. She could easily betray me to him as the one that “got him in trouble.” Of course, I didn’t do anything to get this idiot into trouble. He did that himself, but most perpetrators never see it that way. Now, I’ve done this type of thing for many of my victims, so what made this one different – the victim. This time I could actually see her betraying me. She is so childlike in her behavior and fear, and what do most children do if there is someone else to blame? Yep! “She made me do it. I didn’t want to.” To give you an idea of what I mean, the victim’s first question to me upon meeting was, and I quote, “What do you think my punishment will be when he gets out of jail?” Huh? I’m sorry, what? Her only concern was her punishment. (See, I told you, he deserved it.) This is a true victim of repeated domestic violence. For most of the rest of the world, that would not have been the first question asked. However, the more I talked with her, gave resources, and assistance, the more I realized she could turn on me. Now, it really isn’t often, if ever, that a victim advocate’s life is in danger (although we’ve had our share of threats). But this one made me pay attention. Thankfully, so far this victim is following through with leaving him and protecting herself and her children. This has taken a great deal of courage for her to step out on her own. I am proud of her and for her.

The next two cases hit me in one day. These two cases are probably why I’m writing this blog. In a way, it helps me to get it out and decompress. Like I mentioned, these are also domestic violence. One was severely strangled and both were threatened that their deaths were and are imminent. One was almost completed and the other is in great fear that it will be once the perpetrator is released on bail. I’ve never spoken with someone who had resigned themselves to their own death. It’s very un-nerving. The hardest part is not understanding why they aren’t fighting for their own life. But I guess that is what fear is sometimes – resignation. I’m hoping that I have done my job for these two victims. Granted, I know ultimately their safety is in their own hands.

Eventually I will face the death of a victim that I have worked with before. It is inevitable, I know. I’m just not sure what I will do with it once it happens. You see, I’m not untouchable or hard - jaded, yes. In fact, even though I’ve not faced it, I know it will be difficult.

In law enforcement, in general, there is a lot of role playing. Some of it is external for training purposes and some is internal. Unless the role player voices it, those are never known except to the individual. I’ve role played how these events could play out on my end. I dare not put myself in the role of the victim – talk about issues. But what could it look like if it happened while on call verses not on call. And so on. I know role playing is good for training, but I find myself wondering do we do it for ourselves as a self preservation. Meaning, does it make the impact or shock any less when I hear the news? I dunno. I think either way, it will be hard to know that you fought to help someone who needed it or can’t help themselves yet, and it failed them – the system, safety measures, etc.

I spend a lot of time with some victims, especially if the case is severe. You do begin to care for them – not all, I’ll admit, but you still care for the human life that has been so beaten and battered either by another or the choices they themselves have made.

I received two panicked phone calls from these victims, and all I ultimately could do was my job – safety and security, vent and validate, and prepare and predict. After I hung up with them, I found myself with my head on my desk praying for them. I know I should pray for all my victims and I do pretty well and then sometimes I’m praying they get out of my office or off my phone. (just being honest) ;-) But I spent a while praying for them and their families. I often forget about that ripple effect, but it’s there – always.

I do pray for these women. I pray that God protects them but also urges them to use the brains He gave them. May God always protect them and be their peace.

(I have to post this because it's funny. But speaking of peace and victims that are afraid they are going to die. I actually told one that for the next 24 hours (due to offender being in jail) to "rest in peace." Opps. What would Froyd say? But I laughed at myself after I hung up the phone.)