This has been on my mind lately, so I figure this is the best way to get it off.
“Identity is defined as the condition of being oneself, and not another.” (taken from the web somewhere) So basically being one thing and not something else, i.e. a rabbit is a rabbit and not a dog. Complicated, I know.
So why am I thinking about rabbits and dogs? I’m not really. But I am thinking about my own identity. Who/what do I identify with? I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately as I’m beginning a new journey and leaving another behind. My new journey is going to be a Stay at Home Mom/Wife (SAHM/W). I’m looking forward to it with great anticipation, excitement, longing and fear and trepidation. What am I going to do with a 1 year old all day, every day? How will I keep from wanting to burn my house down b/c I’m sick of looking at it? (Now I’m sure Mike is in fear and trepidation.) How will I teach her all she needs to know for this life? How will I not get up and get dressed for work? How will I get things done? How will I . . .? I dunno. But I’m going to try.
The journey I’m leaving behind is being a Victim Advocate. I enjoy my job and have taken great pride in it. However, I have to be honest about something. I’m embarrassed to admit, but I might actually be a little bit of a Badge Bunny. If you are unfamiliar with this term, it is used with certain types of females (we all know them) who volunteer or work for police departments to chase the badge or be in the know. They aren’t really there for any other reason except to get a date, flirt or get the scoop. Yes, I’m married to a cop but I didn’t really chase the badge to get my job (now I just get to chase it for fun), so that leaves being in the know. At times it’s nice knowing more than the public and realizing how little people truly know about or want to know human nature in its raw, depraved form. It’s really fun knowing more than the media puts out there and seeing how quickly people eat it up and believe it. Trust me, the media doesn’t know jack or ever report things as they really are, but that’s another soapbox. Well, maybe the term doesn't apply to me b/c it definitely isn't the reason I do this job, but it is a perk.
Anyway, I worry that when I am no longer a VA what will I be. When I’m no longer helping victims of crime, what will I be? When I’m no longer using my psychological skills on cases and studying human behavior, what will I be? When I’m no longer in the know, what will I do? Am I going to lose my mind, and not in the haha funny way? More in the I paid a lot of money and still am to become brain dead. This is why identity has been on my mind. This is another reason why I think it is good that I walk away – to find the answer.
(If you are a SAHM, please do not think that I think you are brain dead. Please do not take my comments personal. They are not meant towards anyone but me. This is about my insanity.)
I pause here b/c I know it is possible to think such things as isn’t her identity in Christ Jesus and when did she lose that or she’s on a slippery trail. Well, yes, I didn’t lose it and I don’t think so. Yes, my Identity is in Christ in that I am His child and He is my God, Savior and Life. In addition, He also made me with gifts and talents and I believe one of those has been helping people in the capacity that I have been. So actually no, I’m not questioning this side of who I am. Maybe they can’t be separated or shouldn’t be, but has anyone mastered that this side of heaven? If so, please let the rest of us in on it. This type of Identity search is when everything is stripped away and nothing is left, then who am I? On that kind of search/question, you bet my Identity is in Christ and it stands on its own. But I’m not questioning my Identity but my identity. Follow?
So back to my question of identity. If I’m not a VA, then what am I? If you can’t tell, I don’t have an answer. I know I can answer, “well, I’m a mom, a wife and friend.” Yes, I am and that is part of my identity but I’m taking a big piece of it away and it’s that piece that I wonder what it will look like empty. How will I cope with that void? Will I even need to cope? Maybe not. Ever since we made the decision to leave, my stress level has lowered to levels I didn’t know existed. It’s been nice. I know there is an end to the stress, inconsistent schedule, on call, long days, not seeing my husband except for just an hour or two and so on. I look forward to this, but I also know me. I know that as much as I look forward to this new journey, I don’t look forward to the loss of the other. Of course, I don’t do well with loss, so maybe that is another aspect of this. Who knows?!
Well, like I said I don’t have an answer. This is truly a rambling put on paper b/c it is hurting my head rattling around every so often. I guess my answer will come August 21st or shortly there after as that is my last ‘official’ day. See, I say official because I volunteered to come back and help out a couple of weeks in September. There you have it, my neurosis.
The journey continues….
1 comment:
Everyone thinks about this stuff, but perhaps not as much (grin). I figure out where I want to go and how to get there, and have to accept the change along the way to get there. Being a parent is full time, all the time, and you must accept everything that comes with it if you want to do it well. The hard part for me is getting used to is accepting the parts of my life I must willing give up to be a good parent and provider. You really cannot do it all, and you really do have to move along without bitterness about what you trade for. It's all good, in the end, nobody will know how many bike races I did not attend to drop my kid off at art class, or how late I worked to pay for the braces, and nobody will care. Except my kids in some offhand way by knowing I gave it everything all the time.
Your doing great...... Keep it up.
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