A Love So Deep

A call I went out on in the Spring was another DOA of an elderly woman. When I arrived, I entered the house to find her husband kneeling on the floor, where she had been laid, holding her hand. Normally, people, even family, are not allowed to sit with the body until after the coroner investigates. But this husband was not going to be removed - at any cost.
I don't speak French but I've heard enough of it through movies or other avenues to understand certain phrases. He kept stroking her hand repeating, "Mon Amour. Je vous aime. Je ne vous quitterai pas." Translation: My Love, I love you and I will not leave you." Over and over again I could hear these words.
I got him talking to me about his wife. They were from Belgium and met in the 20's. They married when she was only in her mid teens. She was a model and I got to see one of her pictures from her youth and none of our current models today could hold a candle to this lady! Gorgeous! He told me of his surprise that she married him, and they never spent a day apart.
I asked if they had any children to come and be with him, but they were never able to have kids. I then looked around the house and noticed various statues of Christ/Verses and asked if he wanted his pastor to be with him. He had already called him to come and be with 'them'.
We sat there with his wife as he would not leave her or close her eyes (very un-nerving, by the way). He wept as he told her that they promised to go together but she left him behind. They had been married so long, he was afraid to be without her.
Then he had to go to the bathroom. This is a first for me, because he then looked at me and asked me to hold her hand so she would not be alone. He said, "I know she's not your family, but would you please?" Uhh......"OoooohK." So he placed her hand in mine and told her he'd be right back and introduced me to her. I sat there on the floor, 9 months pregnant, holding a dead woman's hand. I had many thoughts at that moment, but the most amazing thing was finding myself talking to her. (I have to be honest, I didn't hold her hand the whole time.) I told her, "Sorry, but this is just a little creepy as you are staring at me and now I'm talking to you." I laid her hand down and watched for him to return so I could pick it back up and hold it. I found my peace doing this as I don't think she minded at that point. At least, I hope not.
The coroner arrived and had us leave the room as no family should ever watch that investigation - not pleasant, very clinical. His pastor had also arrived and they cried together. He was so worried that they would close her eyes and she'd be gone. We tried to prepare him for the inevitable closure and that she was already gone. He wasn't ready to hear/believe that.
What I didn't mention is this couple was maybe all of 5 feet in height. They were cute! I mention this because he was a lot taller in my book when I left. He stopped one of our deputies as he was leaving and said to him,"I know, Sir, that this is everyday life for you. You go from one call to the next and have become hardened to death. But for me this is not everyday and this was my wife, my Amour. I hope someday you learn more compassion. Thank you for coming and helping me today."
Sweet!! I say this because he's right and not only for this deputy. We do deal with death alot and become very 'immune' to it, so to speak. I do not know what happened to make him single this officer out, but I applaud his courage and honesty to speak so politely at a time like this in his life. It was a great reminder to me too. I do look at death very differently and have a very warped view. I'm very jaded.
I do not know what happened to him, but I could definitely see him truly dying of a broken heart. And if a person could die of a broken heart, I would imagine he'd want that as he would see her again.
The concept of heaven has so many different views, wishes, beliefs, etc. We weren't left with too many details. I love the song, "I Can Only Imagine." I know it centers around Christ and what will we do when we see Him, but I also can only imagine about loved ones, life, animals, and so much more. For example, will we remember from 'day to day'? Is there a day/night? Will we remember our loved ones from this earth? Will we know that some are missing? Some days I hope we are oblivious and we just sing and dance with abandonment.
Until the day that I get to know the answers to my questions, I keep looking at love so deep here in this life and imagine it only getting deeper, better and more wondrous in heaven. God protect our loved ones here and God speed the ones that have already gone before us.

Sweet Moments

I have to post this story because I love it. I got called to a DOA or unattended death where a 70+ year old male had died suddenly and unexpectedly. As I entered the home, the deputy stopped me because the family was praying. I stood and listened to their prayers and added my own. I was introduced to his sons and his wife, who was seated at the kitchen table. I knelt beside her and took her hand and told her I was sorry for her loss (the most inadequate words I've ever spoken). I didn't realize at the time I was to sit like that for the next 2 hours. She held my hand as if her life depended on it.
Her sons were grown and in their 50s. They tried to help their mom by telling her different things like, "God knows best." "Don't cry as God knows what He's doing." "Dad is in a better place, so we shouldn't cry for him." Now, I know that each one of those statements was to bring her comfort, but they didn't. (BTW - comments like these never bring peace to anyone.)
She told me that in two weeks they would have celebrated 50 years of marriage. They were looking forward to it. He was her only love. She'd never kissed another. Wow!
At every sentence her sons would say, she'd turn and stare so deeply into my eyes that tears stug the back of them. See, I can't join in their grief. For one thing, I'd never survive in this job if I did. The other is not to rob them of their grief and make them feel that they must rescue me. But I came close to tears with this sweet lady who just wanted to hold her husband one last time.
With each stare she'd grip my hand even harder (my ring was imprinted into my fingers for several hours after I left her). Her stare was soul searching. I've never experienced anything like it. When I left I gave her hug and left her with the words, "God knows your pain and He understands your tears. Don't hold them back. He too weeps with you and your pain. God bless and keep you." No one else heard my words to her. She still had my hand and I knew that as I spoke every bone was being broken by her attempt at self-control. She looked at me again and a tear fell down her face. She reluctently let go of my hand and I reluctently left.
I've never been on a call that touched me so deeply. I've never forgotten her face or her eyes. I've often wondered if I didn't get a glimpse of how intense the eyes of God are. I couldn't look away - I wanted to and yet I didn't. She could see to the very depths of my heart, and I hope she saw it breaking with hers - not to the same degree but breaking all the same.
This is where I love my job. Sounds crazy, huh?! But I do. I get to meet people, even the ones that are no longer living. I get the honor of hearing the stories of their loved one. I get to laugh with them, hold their hand, dry their tears, and intrude on one of life's most intimate moments and leave as quietly as I came. I love hearing the stories. They are powerful - especially to the ones left behind. It makes me cherish mine a little more every time. I'll never forget this lady or my time with her or what I felt.

Catching up with the world

Hello. Not sure anyone will even read this, but I just stumbled on this. I've read other people's blogs and my husband has wanted me to do this for a while. Who knows - maybe I'll find it interesting. Of course, I realize that my entries have to get more interesting than this. However, I do have to admit I don't trust writing stuff down for people to read. I have this horrifying nightmare that it comes back to haunt a person at the worst times. Hmm....this could be very interesting - an experiment of sorts. Well, I titled this correctly - ramblings!